Hi, friends! It's been about 4 years since I blogged regularly. I forgot how to log in and maneuver my old site so here's my new one! I am in the very early stages of discerning the call to the priesthood or spiritual direction. Jesus has been my companion throughout my life and I want to allow the Spirit to challenge my preconceived notions.
I was raised in a dysfunctional home in which my dad is Roman Catholic and my Mom is Fundamentalist. This can cause plenty of spiritual schizophrenia. As a young man we (my wife and I) were super involved in a Gen X Evangelical Ministry that was beautiful and created so much community. We had a problem though. We asked questions. We trusted in God's unconditional love for all and asked if the Gospel was mainly about saving our personal butts from hell. We engaged in tough questions of life, trauma, vulnerability and shame. Our personal relationship with God also included everyone else! The more we came to know this loving God, our community really shined, we bore "one another's burden's". Alas, it didn't last our leader was fired and asked to volunteer at a similar capacity. That is a bit much to ask.
So our community was disrupted greatly. It was very sad. Our faith in an institution waned.
I am still friends with many folks from those days. Very few trust church at all.
The church laid the foundation that built our beautiful community and then the church tore it down.
I understand the skepticism this caused. It's still sad.
The Church is the body of Christ made up of us! St. Augustine said "The Church is a whore and she is my mother." It has been a hot mess for 2000 years. 2000 years of paradox, of the organic and the institutional, the beautiful and the tragic.
Our wounding we received doesn't compare with the abuse, crusades, homophobia and misogyny of church history. But it is a sadness nonetheless.
I am stubborn and still saw Jesus as the Foundation of all the growth through those years. I kept searching. Not all Christian faith is about exclusive thinking and fear of hell. Who would of thought it could be anything else? Through a couple of churches we settled into a community that is not about ME, though I am included. The Episcopal Church has problems as well. Nothing perfect and pure. Everything traditional has a problem competing with our phones, couches and the unhealthy ways these traditional means have been abused. What will happen if we only adopt things untainted. Nothing is left. I am somewhat convinced this is why there is such love for animals. Animals are seen as untainted. God really doesn't do competition.
A problem I see is there is an unwillingness to see our own participation in being unhealthy. We can choose to be the unhealthy judges looking for that pure untainted faith and connection and deeming anything flawed as unworthy. Everything is flawed but that doesn't take away the beauty.
Suffering and death is ugly and flawed and we see the Savior embracing all the human experience. Yours, mine, all of us.
Sometimes I wonder what it is we put our faith in? Good feelings, mystery, the unknown universe.
We all have a bit of agnostic in us until we see face-to-face. It's not about dogmatism. People can wonder and experiment in life and God is still right there with us. Hell may very well be empty and it is not my job to determine entrance. The faith of many is faith in avoidance of hell and that is very shifty ground.
What if its about knowing you are not abandoned in your despair?
What if it is about know you are completely and totally unconditionally loved, right now.
What if its about loving your neighbor AND yourself?
What if its about trusting a God who is love and on the other side of death?
What if it is about seeing Jesus, the human one, in the suffering of others?
What if it is about actually impacting your daily life?
What if it is also about allegiance to Kingdom?
What if it is also about our participation in this Kingdom?
Yes, I am stubborn for the faith of Christ. It's a journey and these are my observations and experiences! I just don't understand how you move on from Jesus Christ. Christ is the foundation of everything good. Whether we acknowledge it or not. We can't "enlighten" ourselves alone. We were never meant to journey alone.
"Lord Jesus Christ, you stretched out your arms of love on the hard wood of the cross that everyone might come within the reach of your saving embrace: So clothe us in your Spirit that we, reaching forth our hands in love, may bring those who do not know you to the knowledge and love of you; for the honor of your Name. Amen." - BCP
