If you have read my blogs before you know I am a public processor. I don't believe that masks and pretending to have it all together is a very healthy way to face this life. Of course not everyone is safe but somehow I have very few trolls in my life. I agree with a mentor of mine that if I cast my pearls before swine they just can't digest it and probably have little interest in consuming what is said.
Please forgive that this blog may be a bit less coherent than normal. I learned about a week and a half ago that my sister was found dead in her apartment and subsequently that my nephew confessed to the murder. Life is so foggy still. My mother passed on January 3rd of this year. One third of my family of origin has moved on this year. 2020 is difficult to say the least.
Our family of origin was dysfunctional to put it mildly. She was there for me as I was growing up when pain hit in our family and I didn't understand. She saw me and comforted me.
I lived with my sister when I turned eighteen in rural Alabama. No offense but to this midwesterner it wasn't my gig. I was a teen full of angst and anger and DeAnna was there for me. A few years before this She had escaped from KC when she fell in love and got married to a man from Huntsville. She hated the cold and our winters. She was happy and very much in love. This man was also raising my niece as his own. From what we could tell they were happy. They decided to have a baby and tragedy struck in the ninth month of her pregnancy. Her husband was murdered. A week or two later her son Kevin was born. She did not want to move back to KC. Mom said hurtful things because she didn't like DeAnna's husband. This was very sad.
I moved there a when little Kevin was a toddler. A very hyper good-natured easy to love little guy. I was Uncle Steve! We were poor, losing propane for heat, no phone and a crappy car. Pot was a numbing agent to cope. DeAnna's rebound in her pain was an alcoholic. This man would sneak whisky in his coke and Kevin would take drinks and to avoid getting in trouble he wouldn't say anything. DeAnna figured it out and went off on him. During spring break, my friends from KC 'rescued' me by coming down to party with us, I went back with them.
Kevin had problems and was a struggle for DeAnna. He had ADHD and developed a cruel streak towards his sisters. even harming pets. She did everything she could to get help for him with her limited means. She loved her boy. Sadly, as time went on he chose the route of drugs and addiction.
My sister's coping went into numbing with drugs as well. This is a part of her testimony so I am not speaking ill of my sister. I love her.
She made numerous mistakes with her daughters always trying to help her son. Sadly, she had developed a coping skill young of running away from problems and spiritualizing everything. We lost touch during this time with a few instances of extended help and sometimes betrayal of that help. Her wrongdoings were never really intentional but they were still wrong and she was still responsible and she knew it. This weighed on her.
Flash forward and she had become truly intentional in her faith walk and sobriety. ALways extend love everywhere she went and this included Kevin. He was still troubled and walked hard into addiction with the familiar spiritualizing we had seen before. He was toxic and DeAnna was really his best advocate, cheerleader and enabler. He had wounded his sisters significantly and reconciliation did not seem possible. She always saw his potential.
DeAnna was a light for Christ in her community. Unfortunately, her and I would clash many times over facebook about, theology, end time or conspiracies. How pathetic of both of us. She was charismatic Christian while I have found my home in the Episcopal tradition. While still withing the body of Christ together it was hard for us to appreciate each other. Unless, we spoke on the phone. Take note folks, facebook messages and texting is no replacement for actual communication. Just don't do it. I wish I would've just called her more.
About a month ago Kevin was released from jail. From what it appears, he went right back to the heavy drugs. No one knows his thoughts or rationale but he murdered my sister and his own mother. This pain is beyond description. I hope and pray that he doesn't spiritualize away his very real choice to take her life. Heaven was her desire but it wasn't his place to send her there.
I am VERY angry, sad and confused. I loved this kid. I still love him, I just don't know how. Forgiveness feels distant as I believe it should. I pray I won't resist the Spirit in this process. God doesn't demand instant anything. Look at how patient He is with us all. He wants me to grieve and experience what I am feeling. There are no shortcuts or platitudes that can help. This is pain. Mercy will come in my heart but today is not the day. That would cheapen the situation and try to bypass the pain. Ultimately it wouldn't work Today it is enough to not wish him ill. I have zero desire to ever see him walk free.
Kevin's pain will be worse if he can't face his darkness. I pray he can. There is no other way. It will be pain but the pain he needs. He is a human being. I have little doubt that DeAnna is petitioning the Father daily on his and all of our behalf. This a part of the cross to bear. Our God is understanding and close to the broken hearted.
Father, forgive them. They know not what they do.