It's hard to have a crisis of faith while still holding onto faith. Somehow that is where I am these days. It's part of this grieving process. Faith is the evidence of things unseen. I feel compelled to share aspects of this process. I know it will challenge many and that challenge is from your brother in Christ and a fellow person on the journey. It's only authoritative in terms of my own journey and experience. I do believe I have the Spirit within and so do you. Discern for yourself. There is still encouragement here.
The crisis began when my sister was murdered by my nephew. In my head I have always known God's protection is fickle and unknown. Growing up in a dysfunctional home. My first born almost dying at birth. The loss of a 'healing' of blood disorder for my love when it returned. There are also the other tragedies in culture at large. School shootings, terrorist attacks, war, abuse, suicides and in 2020, COVID-19. It is difficult to navigate.
Where do we get the idea that protection can be dependent upon our faith? I know Jesus definitely says to have faith and anything we ask according to the will of God will be granted. Does this include healing and protection? Protection is never promised in the New Testament world of the Gospel. Really, look for it. It is very common in the Old Testament so it is very understandable we think suffering should not be a part of the deal. Although the evidence may contradict this reality.
I was missing Sis and was looking at her Facebook. A regret I have is that I believed the lies that shares were her. Facebook and social media can dehumanize those we love let alone strangers. But I came across this share of hers and it broke my heart and made me really angry. I've said we used to argue. This exact perception of faith was what we would argue about. I really wish I were wrong. I haven't met a person who had more faith than my sister. Clearly, more than a mustard seed.
Do I believe DeAnna is ultimately destroyed? No, I do not but her life was still taken. God did nothing to protect her in that moment. Jesus wasn't not protected either. Eleven of the Apostles were not protected but died heinously as martyrs. Children are not protected from abuse by family or even being put in cages like animals. There is many an injustice in this world. This is a major reason atheists cannot accept the idea of God. Their point isn't without thought.
Believers follow a God who was nailed to the cross emptied of all power. Suffering and unprotected. When we look at Jesus we see exactly what God is like yet we miss the imagery that God is nailed down. How much power does the Crucified One exhibit? We rarely give up any sort of power and have no true understanding of what that would be like.
Christians need a reality check. We are loved with an unconditional love that suffers with us and will carry us through the door of death to attain to some sort of resurrection. There is little or no protection. The early church understood this as they were often on the menu for the lions in the pagan celebrations of Roman domination and exceptionalism. They had a trust that God raises the dead. After 2000 years its hard to say the modern church has this same trust. How else to you describe armed militant Christians? When Constantine established Christianity as the religion of the empire martyrdom became less expected. Death was still ever present but there was trust. How much trust do we have today? Can we trust a God who rarely protects?
The church often embraces the miraculous. The idea that suffering is a truth of love is rarely taught. Christian pop songs proclaim miracles as the norm, if you just have faith. The world scoffs. There are indeed quiet miracles all around. In every health form of love. Love is so normal to us we don't even see it as the miracle it is; it bonds us together. The joy of new love. Welcoming the stranger and hungry. Counselors and pastors and friends helping people recognize and heal from pain. Racists, sexists and the homophobic repenting and changing. Bullying finally being recognized as evil. Single mothers and fathers spinning every plate to do what love compels them to do. The strangers grieving evil that has no direct impact in their lives. People continuing the work of civil rights and the destruction of racism. Reconciliation. Repentance. New life. All these are miracles.
Don't put foolish expectations on God that are contrary to reality, you will be let down. Embrace the challenge of your cognitive dissonance. All believers want and pray and hope for protection. This is natural and good but not easy. Can we trust when it is/was not granted? This is where the 'rubber meets the road' in the life of faith. Are you able to believe when you don't see? For me the answer is sometimes. Even when we are aware of the suffering we will most likely see at some point it is still a gut check when it happens. As it is with having a baby, its all theory until you are in the mix.
What is the faith? As a mentor says and I often quote " Healthy spirituality equips us to deal with reality. Unhealthy spirituality equips us to avoid reality." The faith has to be built in reality. We believe weird things that the Lord will need to show us someday. These days it is the journey of trust; trust that we have not been and never will be forsaken. The eyes of faith are the only way to see this reality. Without protection in this life, can we trust God?
We can trust this God who never leaves or forsakes us. We can trust this God who cries with us. Yes, God cries and weeps when his children use their free will for evil and with the victims as well. We can trust this God who danced at the idea of us. We can trust this God to walk with us through our darkness. We can trust this God who IS God. Although it is 'Not About Fire Insurance' there is an ultimate hope that one day we will see clearly. All lies will surface and be exposed to light. Every tear will be wiped away. There will be ultimate protection someday. Until then we trust in this adventurous journey the Lord has placed us on.